There are few guarantees in life. Death, taxes, and WWE will celebrate the holiday season with Yuletide beatings. Miracle On 34th Street Fight, an in-ring staple for the last eleven years, serves as the annual festive highlight of Raw or SmackDown.
Decorated trees, oversized presents, giant candy canes, and delectable sweets fill out the ringside aesthetic of this Christmas-time spectacle.
While those yearning for a five-star classic loathes these over-the-top affairs, in reality, it’s not for them. Wrestling is a variety show and a match where one contestant gets a bowl of eggnog thrown in their face in a nod and a wink to the audience. Don’t think about it too much; sit back, relax and have fun.
Anything goes in a Miricle on 34th Street, which is a nice PC way of saying no DQ or No Holds Barred. Besides, one is likelier to get a gingerbread house smashed upside their head than a steel chair.
Randy Orton bested David Otunga in the inaugural Miricle on 34th Street.
SmackDown on Friday hosted the latest edition. Braun Strowman and Ricochet faced off against the ultra-serious grapplers of Imperium, Ludwig Kaiser and Giovanni Vinci.
Imperium boss and intercontinental champion Gunther is on vacation and will not participate in such a match that disgraces the sanctity of the mat.
While I said no steel chairs, I forgot about the gift-wrapped chair Kaiser used on Strowman. Ironically, the duo who finds such a match insulting to the sport are the first to resort to seasonal weaponry.
After Imperium delivers a double suplex on the stage to the massive Strowman, they set their sights on a giant present. Hoping it will serve them well, Imperium opens the towering gift, and there are no pantookas, dafflers, and wuzzlea to be found.
A graceful tattooed ballerina emerged from the towering gift to the sounds of Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers. “What on Earth are we witnessing, Cole” spewed from the Grinch-like Wade Barrett on commentary as Imperium opened the second colossal gift.
The sour-faced Kaiser and the scowling Vinci were met with The New Day dressed as soldiers. Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston’s robotic movements delivered a nutcracking surprise below the belt to Imperium.
New Day’s assist gave Strowman the opening he needed to recover and help the down-and-out Ricochet. When no words of encouragement would do, Strowman grabbed from mistletoe propped up his wounded partner and waved over ring announcer Samantha Irvin, who Micheal Cole referred to on the call as “Ricochet’s real-life girl.”
Strowman held the mistletoe up high as Irvin planted a kiss on her man. Like Popeye’s spinach, Ricochet’s health meter was once again at full and he handled Imperium with an array of high-risk maneuvers.
Ricochet hit Vinci with the recoil, which knocked him into Strowman, who delivered a running power slam. There was one final present that came with ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. Ricochet hit a splash off Strowman’s shoulders onto Vinci to score the victory.
Most forget about these seasonal donnybrooks by the time the final bell has rung. Still, judging by the audience’s rucks reaction, this admirer of the grappling arts concludes that for nearly twenty minutes, everyone’s heart grew two sizes bigger. I believe, I believe. It’s silly, but I believe.